N.O. Pundit

The Kerry-Edwards Political Speech Reform Act of 2004

Update 3/3/2005: Trackback (and a thank you for linking) to Michelle Malkin.

Update 3/3/2005: Trackback to Professor Bainbridge.

Update 11/3/2004: It is now November 3, 2004. This speech, written on August 12, 2004, perhaps now seems more appropriately delivered, with some refashioning, by Dan Rather.

Washington Post
Washington, D.C.
November 3, 2004

After conceding defeat at 3:16 pm Eastern time November 2, 2004 to the incumbant George W. Bush, John F. Kerry did not indulge in a "campaign hangover". Demonstrating that he is a man of considerable mettle and undeniable patriotism, Kerry was back to work early this morning in the U.S. Senate.

At 11 am Kerry convened a press conference with Democratic running mate John Edwards at his side to announce new legislation they plan to introduce in the legislative body today. Dubbed the Kerry-Edwards Political Speech Reform Act of 2004, its aim is to protect the "fragile voice" of the traditional American media from the "dishonest and dishonorable handful of average Americans who simply don't comprehend that free speech is a privilege that comes with awesome responsibilities." Kerry continues:

I am not here this morning to talk about me. I am here to talk about the approaching "perfect storm" which I see and which threatens the traditional political processes which make the United States government the greatest government ever. This storm I bear witness to also threatens the legitimate control the government needs to maintain to make sure the American people remain safe, secure, and informed of the proper issues.

As you know, I am not one to stand around and take no action when action is what is needed. I fought in Vietnam. Yesterday, the American people witnessed an election. An election not won by my opponent George W. Bush, but rather an election stolen by rogue elements. It hurts me deeply to call these rogue elements Americans, but Americans they are, and I will love them just as Jesus has told me to. Yes, I will continue to love and to pray for these knaves who "yelled FIRE! in a crowded theater" and disenfranchised millions of Americans of their legitimate right to know who I am and what a great president I would have been. For the vast majority of Americans who remain resentful and mystified that I am not the president-elect today, I will explain how this electoral theft took place.

There is a new computer tool out there which many experts have characterized as a worm or a virus. My excellent staff has brought me up to speed on this potentially ruinous instrument. I have been told its name is blog. Apparently, blog is capable of bypassing the legitimate American press and reaching innocent Americans with unverified, unfiltered, completely unedited information. I for one will not stand around while blog commits these illegitimate acts. The United States government is simply too important. I am blinded with anger to see blog undermine the legitimate role the traditional American media has with the government.

So today John Edwards and I are introducing in the United States Senate the Kerry-Edwards Political Speech Reform Act of 2004. Once this legislation is enacted, the first step of course is to assemble a Blue Ribbon Commission to study blog and its effects on the electoral process. Our wish is to see this Commission made up of the best and the brightest in American media: the New York Times, the Washington Post, the Los Angeles Times, ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN, MSNBC, Reuters, Associated Press, and of course, the BBC. Their mandate will be two-fold. First, answer the obvious questions: What is blog? How does blog taint actual news? Children and blog: a recipe for disaster? Second of course are the regulatory recommendations: Should there be mandatory blog safety classes? Should the government establish a national blog registration database? Should blog be regulated? Should blog be restricted in election years? These recommendations will then be handed over directly to the Federal Communications Commission so they can enact them without delay. The very safety and well-being of the United States government is at stake. There can be no foot dragging - the American people will not stand for it.

In closing, I want to tell you what I know. I know the American people are not dumb. They understand the crucial, nay sacred, role the traditional American media have in delivering the news the government has painstakingly created for them. It is my sworn duty as a United States Senator to do everything in my power to protect this relationship. I know that there are few Americans alive who could have handled being swindled the way John Edwards and I were swindled yesterday. I thank the Lord Jesus that it was John and I and not two lesser men. Lesser men may have seen yesterday as simply an honest election fought hard, with an honest winner and an honest loser. John and I see more. We see a chance for our great government to become even greater, if only we seize this opportunity! Will it be easy? Of course not! It will be a bloody partisan battle as it always is when we try to grow our government's greatness. Mark my words on this day: we will succeed! For if there is one thing I know, it is battle! I fought in Vietnam! Posted by nopundit at August 12, 2004 08:21 PM